I recently had a revelation about myself.  I’m not a wall climber!  I have tried to be this role for a long time and it’s as if God finally showed me-You are not a wall climber.  So what does that mean?  For much of my adult life, I have been attempting to climb walls that weren’t meant for me to climb.  Walls built primarily from rejected childhoods of many kinds.  A father who was never home because of his inability to be committed to one woman.  A father who courted two, yet married the woman the babies weren’t by and stopped participating in the children’s lives as if they never existed.  But not just fathers but mothers also who, being depressed and hurt, shut out their children trying their very best to cope with their own life hurts.

I wish I could tell you that my own childhood was perfect, that I never longed for the love of my father, but that would not be true.  What I can tell you is that I purposed to love and forgive often, never allowing my life circumstances to reshape my openness to a healthy love relationship.  Unfortunately, I never expected others to come to me with that openness.  Instead, I saw their great “potential” and I spent lots of time and energy  trying to “help” them overcome, trying to peel back layers of hurt, trying to climb walls that had been built by others-walls which could only come down by the willingness of the one who built them in the very first place.

So I say what has this behavior profited me?  Nothing.  It has resulted in a lot of mentally exhausting, emotionally hurting and physically draining situations.  What still remains true is my great resolve to love openly, holding back nothing and forgiving often.  Coupled with that now is my expectation that no matter what cards life has dealt a mate presented to me, he must also be willing to put in the work to present himself in that manner -willing to be totally open to love, holding back nothing and forgiving often.  This posture feels most like Jesus’s relationship towards us.

Rev 3:20 (NIV)- Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

Jesus’s desire to be with us is clear but so is His willingness to stand and wait for the one that “hears” Him and “opens up” to Him. What a joy to finally get clear on the methods I have had in relationships that don’t line up with the word of God.  Climbing walls, peeling back layers and forcing your way to an unopened heart is downright exhausting.

I’m so excited about the wait.  I’m so excited to get deeper into God’s word and rest comfortably in knowing that He has instruction for me.  Speaker I am, motivator I am, lover I am, forgiver I am, friend I am-Many, many other things I am, but I finally get it-Wall Climber I am not!