I woke with this question pressing hard on me-“What would I do differently if I knew that today was my day to be called to my heavenly home?”.  While scripture tells us that “it is not for us to know the times or the seasons that the Father has fixed by his own authority,” Acts 1:7, I still pondered this thought.  I decided that while I feel strongly that I don’t hold grudges, I would somehow learn to forgive even more quickly.  I would continue to spend as much time as I could with those whom I love and those who love me.  I would continue to inspire others as often as I could. I would continue to allow my life to be an open book to be a blessing to others.  I would continue to fight the good fight of faith and work to make clean the dirty places of my life. It was nice to know that there are many things I would continue to do just as I’m doing today but the question still remains-what, if anything, would I do differently?

Only one thing came to mind as I pondered this thought.  I thought about this last scare with a potential cancer recurrence.  And I thought about the season 4 years ago.  I thought about the people who seemed to be in my corner during the roughest of times.  But I couldn’t help but think about those same people who seemed so quickly to distance themselves from relationship because I either made a choice that they didn’t agree with or perhaps they felt I wasn’t there when they needed me.  Perhaps when they felt the relationship no longer served them, they simply walked out. With no notice, no communication or expression, they changed or disappeared. The most disappointing part was the worth or lack thereof in working things out.

My love for people has been my strength and weakness.  If things are well with 99 and I seem to have ought with one, I will give all the energy I have to making the one right.  I’m finally wising up to realize that’s way too much energy to give. Part of the combat in the physical cancer involves first the cutting away of known infected areas and then the application of other treatments to guard against recurrence.

For me, I think the one thing I would do differently, is to be more at peace with the cutting away that is necessary to ensure a more healthy environment not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually.  I would stop trying to fight for relationships where I have given all I knew to give of myself and the moment I don’t measure up, the moment I make a choice that is different, the moment that I continue to be my authentic self is the moment I am criticized, ostracized, exorcised.  Today, God is teaching me that it’s not as much about what comes from the lips as it is what comes from the heart.

So since I can’t know the day, I will treat today as if it were my day!  I will love hard, forgive often and spend quality time with those whom I love and love me.  But the new thing I’ll do is cut away the things-the foods I intake, the places I go, and the people I tolerate that have made it clear they are only toxic for me.  I’ll never stop praying for hearts that resemble the love of Christ but today I realize that continuing to put myself in harm’s way is not required.  It may be adding to the stress that impacts my physical health.