I never dreamed in a million years I would be this long without a church to call “home”.  This is especially unnerving because I have an 8 year old daughter and I recall the foundation that church had in my life.   I know in a couple of cities I have lived in, the church I attended had a covenant that we repeated each Sunday.  Generally, it was worded like this:

We moreover engage that when we remove from this place we will, as soon as possible, unite with some other church where we can carry out the spirit of this covenant and the principles of God’s word.”

As I have moved, whether it was with my family relocating as a younger person or as an adult, I have hurriedly united in an attempt to keep the “covenant” I grew up on.  This last move, however, has felt almost impossible to find a resting place.  Sadly, I’ve lived here before and attended several of the more popular churches in the area.  I was blessed to receive great teaching everywhere I ‘ve been. I wish that were all I had to reflect on but unfortunately it’s not.

I’ve had my greatest hurts and setbacks in the church.  Rejection, ridicule about my “traditional” beliefs, immoral acts of others either presenting themselves before me or my greatest temptations to conduct my own immoral acts requisitioned by church pastors and leaders alike.

I’ll admit I’m at the closest point I’ve ever been to giving up on the four walls of the church.  I used to see friends I grew up with and served in the church choir and on the usher board with and wonder how it could be that attending a place of worship seemed the furthest from their mind on Sunday morning.  For me, it’s on my mind-always on my mind and I’m praying that God will lead us to where we need to be in this next season of our lives.

It’s not about “looking for perfection” because the moment I arrived that status would be tainted.  It’s about a place where the altar is still sacred, where I can sacrifice my praise and worship to a magnificent, Holy and righteous God and not leave the church building with more burdens than I arrived with.

Rick Warren, in the Purpose Driven Life, makes it so clear that we were created for fellowship- friendly association, especially with people who share the same interests.  I’m trying to make my way through the maze of situations, hurts and disappointments to see who shares the same interests as me in the church.  I’m still seeking, still hoping, still praying.

Part of being a cancer survivor is always trying to stay in a healthy place emotionally, physically and spiritually.  On this side of the cancer journey, that has been extremely difficult.  While I had hoped that the churches I attended be a catalyst in the journey to good health, sadly they’ve added more toxins than I ever imagined.  I’m glad I have the word of God in me.  I’m glad I strive to be the word of God in front of others.  I’m glad I can share with others with like interests outside of the four walls.

I’ve made it this long but I’m not comfortable.  Every week on the Monday Morning prayer call, I lift up churches-many I call by their name and the city in which they are.  I lift up their leaders and I pray that we will lead with integrity and that churches will be a place of refuge for hurting individuals to come to know and grow in Christ.

Through it all, I won’t quit searching.  I won’t quit praying.  I won’t quit believing that as Christ has spoken, “He has built His church on a solid rock and the gates of hell will not prevail against it.” (Matthew 16:18) As chemotherapy and radiation remove toxic cells from the body to help individuals live, I believe God’s word will continue to do the work to rid the church of the toxins that invade it. Toxic fellowship-it’s killing the church.  God’s word, however is alive and operating in the lives of the true believer.